Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex, based on a comic book that I've never heard of, is a movie about a Confederate soldier (I think, he may have actually been a Union soldier working as a spy, not really sure) played by Josh Brolin who, in a vaguely told back-story, betrays and shoots his best friend. Then his friend's father, John Malkovich, kills Jonah's whole family as retribution and brands his initials on Jonah's face. Jonah doesn't like having his enemy's initials branded on his face, so he burns them off and is left hilariously disfigured.

All of this is just back-story though, told through confusing and bizarrely edited flashbacks. The main chunk of this movie's 75 minute running time, that's right, SEVENTY-FIVE minutes, is spent on watching Jonah hunt down Evil John Malkovich to exact his vengeance and prevent him from using the most utterly absurd, impractical and nonsensical doomsday weapon ever conceived to destroy the United States.

Seriously, let's discuss this weapon for a minute. It was apparently designed by Eli Whitney and it involves launching a whole bunch of giant glowing orbs at a target, then launching another, different colored orb into the vicinity of the previous orbs, which ignites the initial orbs causing mass explosions. Also, the weapon requires a giant ship to house it. Ridiculous.

Anyway, if you're looking for a (very) quick mindless and disposable entertainment fix, I can think of far worse ways to spend your afternoon. This is 75 minutes of horses with Gatling guns, dynamite launching crossbows and Meghan Fox (whose talent is as non-existent as her waist) in a corset.

It is what it is, and I was entertained. 

Iron Man 2

Generally speaking, for most superhero franchises the second film is always the greatest. With the origin story out of the way it's time to up the stakes, and the explosions, and kick some major ass. Superman 2, Spiderman 2, X-Men 2, Batman Returns, each of these sequels would find their way onto anyone's top ten superhero film list. Even a moron's.

Sadly, Iron Man 2 does not follow in the tradition of the films listed above. Is it bad? No. But, most importantly, is it AWESOME?...

Kinda...sorta...it has its moments...the acting is great, there are a couple of outstanding set pieces, one at a race track, the other in an atrium, but the script has some major issues and the movie somehow feels a lot smaller than you expect. It's a very personal story, it lacks the scope and grandeur of the sequels listed above.

There's a moment toward the middle of the film where Tony Stark is placed under house arrest, ordered not to have any contact with the outside world, then it cuts to him driving down the highway in a convertible, no explanation given. There are moments like this scattered throughout the film, where you're just left scratching your head, wondering if theres a slew of deleted scenes that will end up on the DVD, or if the script was really just that sloppy.

Marvel Studios is doing something insanely awesome right now by reacquiring the rights to as many of their characters as possible and creating a universe in which they all co-exist. There are a couple (one of which is post-credits) geeky cool moments where we're given glimpses at the awesomeness to come. I really hope they don't mess things up.

I guess that the bottom line here is that I liked Iron Man 2. I liked it quite a bit. It may not have lived up to my lofty expectations but it's far, far better than either Fantastic Four film, or Spiderman 3, or the third  X-Men movie, or Wolverine, or a handful of other sub-par superhero stink-fests that have been released in the past decade, but as a whole its not as good as Iron Man was, and that's really unfortunate.

Does Scarett Johansson have the best ass in Hollywood? Because right now, I'm thinking that the answer is yes.

3 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

WOWOWOWOW!

Let me just start by saying that I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

This is Nicholas Cage's best performance since his Oscar winning role in Leaving Las Vegas. This may in fact be Nicholas Cage's best performance ever. I'm actually having a hard time with the fact that he wasn't nominated for an Oscar for this movie, his performance is absolutely the best that I have seen in any film this year, without question. Maybe the Academy members would have felt too grimy voting for Cage in this role? I really don't know.

I'm not surprised by the lack of commercial success that this film had at the box office. This movie is vicious, raw and gritty with a protagonist that, on the surface, is utterly despicable. I'm not going to go into spoilers for this movie, because I'm sure most of you reading this haven't seen it yet, and you really should, but I'll just touch on some of the basic plot elements.

The film is set in post-Katrina New Orleans and features Cage as a cocaine addicted, degenerate gambler, police Lieutenant who is dating a prostitute played by Eva Mendes. When an entire family of illegal immigrants is murdered it hits Cage hard and a whole lot of absolute crazy awesomeness ensues.

Nick Cage's performance as the titular "bad lieutenant," Terrence McDonagh, is brilliant. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that already, but it really bares repeating. Cage is always at his best when he's playing a character who is slightly unhinged (he really kind of sucks as a straight man..) and here, under the amazing direction of Warner Herzog, he plays a character who is balls-to-the-wall crazy. McDonagh isn't actually so much a "bad cop" as he is a completely insane one. This isn't to say that he's "good" either, but he does seem to have some type of morality driving him. He's actually a thousand times better, as a human being, than his complete scum-bag partner, awesomely portrayed by Fat Val Kilmer, whom I greatly enjoy and hope that we see a lot more of in Hollywood in the years to come.

This movie isn't perfect. The story is at times predictable and the ending is going to piss some people off (I loved it), but I haven't stopped thinking about it since I saw it two days ago. Somebody please call N.C's agent. I want Nicholas Cage to only accept roles like this from now on. His career will soar to heights he never dreamed possible.

See this movie.

4.5 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

The Ass-Kicking Adventures of Titus Pullo and Lucius Vorenus to (Possibly) Continue!

HBO's Rome was inarguably one of the most awesome television series of all time.

Tragically, the series was only allowed to run for two seasons, but according to THIS article from Entertainment Weekly, the adventures of Pullo and Vorenus may have a chance to continue on the big screen.

The series concluded with the rise of Cesar Augustus, and the dawning of the Golden Age of Rome, as well as with ::Spoiler:: the apparent death of one of the lead characters. However, according to the article above, both Pullo and Vorenus will be prominently featured in the film, when and if it ever gets made.

I'm extremely excited about the possibility of seeing this movie for two reasons:

First, these are two of the most badass characters ever created, and the idea of watching them kick all kinds of ass in Germany, which is where the article suggests the story will take place, has me giddy.

Secondly, If this film gets made, then it gives me hope that someday HBO and Daniel Knauf can straighten out their issues over ownership of Carnivale, and we can finally see that series resurrected as well...

5 / 5 on the Anticipation Meter

The Wolfman (2010)

Joe Johnston's new version of the 1941 horror classic, The Wolfman, is a muddled, confusing mess of a film.

Benicio Del Toro's character, Lawrence Talbot, returns from New York City to his family's home in England after hearing the news that his brother has been viciously murdered by some sort of animal. Upon arriving home he is bitten by a werewolf, falls in love with his dead brother's girlfriend, played by Emily Blunt, and works out some long standing daddy issues between him and his father,  played by Anthony Hopkins.

The big problem with this film is that so much has been edited out; its obvious throughout that there are scenes missing. The characters aren't given an opportunity to develop, nothing that happens to them, or between them, seems justified. The love between Del Toro's character and Blunt comes out of nowhere, as does the elder Talbot's hatred for his son.

I haven't seen this much wasted talent in a film since The Lovely Bones. I hope that Joe Johnston does a much better job with his Captain America film due out next year.

One of the best parts of a werewolf movie is the initial transformation scene. Rotten Tomatoes has an article HERE, where they pick the "best and worst werewolf transformations." Interestingly enough they have both The Howling and The Howling 3 on their "best" list, but there is no mention of the most absolutely insane werewolf transformation scene ever filmed. I am speaking, of course, of The Howling 4: The Original Nightmare, which I have embedded for you below.

Behold the oddest, and most awesomely grotesque werewolf transformation of all-time!!! (Skip ahead to the 7 minute 10 second mark):

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

2 / 5 on the Awesome Meter because I liked the set-design and makeup-effects.

The Most Awesome Movies of all Time: Aliens

I'm beginning a new column here at Awesometown. Bi-weekly, or whenever I feel like it, I will pick one of the most awesome movies ever created, and explain why it kicks so much ass. I will attempt to, whenever possible, keep my film choices somewhat relevant. Which brings me to the film that I have chosen for the inaugural edition of:

THE MOST AWESOME MOVIES OF ALL TIME!!


Eleven years before he directed Titanic and officially appointed himself "King of the World", James Cameron directed a sequel to Ridley Scott's terrifying 1979 science-fiction film Alien. With 1986's Aliens, Cameron accomplished the extremely rare feat of making a sequel that not only lives up to its predecessor (a brilliantly awesome film in its own right) but surpasses it on every level imaginable. Cameron sauntered up to this project, his watermelon sized testicles dangling between his legs, looked at each of the elements that worked for the original Alien, and then injected every one of them with pure testosterone.

I imagine there was a conversation that went something like this:

Ridley only had one alien in his movie, we need to have HUNDREDS of them! What did they use in the first movie to fight the alien with, flamethrowers? Well, I guess flamethrowers are cool, but we need some giant explosive-shooting future-guns for this one, go make them. Instead of a spaceship, lets have the action take place on a planet, instead of a cat, let's have Ripley protecting a little girl. Little girls are like cats, only bigger. Have you read Heinlein's Starship Troopers? I want the Space-Marines from that book in this movie!

AND GO DESIGN ME A GIANT ROBOT-SUIT! 

There are a lot of filmmakers working in Hollywood today who think that bigger means better. What separates James Cameron from the likes of Michael Bay and Rolland Emerich is that Cameron understands that a movie needs to have heart, in addition to explosions.

Aliens is the granddaddy of Avatar, and it holds up flawlessly twenty-three years after being made.

There is nothing about this movie that doesn't completely kick-ass

James Cameron has yet to make a bad movie. His worst movies are more awesome than most filmmaker's best, and this is one of his greatest achievements.

5 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

Escape from New York remake!

According to THIS article in New York Magazine, a remake to the classic 1981 John Carpenter film Escape from New York is officially underway. I guess this project, in various incarnations, has been in the making for sometime. A couple years back there was talk of casting Gerard Butler as Snake Plissken but, for a variety of reasons, that project fell apart.

I have mixed emotions regarding this remake. I absolutely love John Carpenter's original film. Kurt Russel's Snake Plissken is the ultimate archetypal badass anti-hero. I once had a ball-python named Kurt Russel (I know, best name ever) but he died horribly of a degenerative disease when he was little more than a wee hatchling, this is something his namesake never would have allowed to happen. The real Kurt/Snake would have defeated the disease by force. Somehow.

That's how awesome he is. 

I'm optimistic about this movie being remade for two reasons. First, much like Clash of the Titans, this film hasn't aged so well, it will be cool to see how they bring this story into the 21st century. Secondly, I find the following quote, from the article linked to above, to be reassuring:

New Line had to sign a contract with John Carpenter stipulating, among other things, that Plissken "must be called 'Snake'"; "must wear an eye patch"; and that he would — and we're not making this up — "always be a 'badass.'

Awesome. I'm glad to see that Carpenter has an interest in protecting his creation, instead of just taking a paycheck and walking away.  

3 / 5 on the Anticipation Meter

                                                    

                                     

                           

The Road Vs. The Book of Eli

John Hillcoat's film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's heartbreaking novel, The Road , and The Book of Eli, directed by the Hughes brothers, share many things in common. For starters, both films are set in the same  colorless, post-apocalyptic wasteland that we've been seeing ever since Mad Max, they both have overtly religious overtones and both films feature heroes who are devoid of humor. There are, however, differences between these two films:

In The Book of Eli, Denzel Washington is bringing the last known copy of the King James bible out west, on foot, because he believes that is what God wants him to do.

In The Road, Viggo Mortensen is bringing his son toward the sea, on foot, because he believes that there may be other people there.

In The Book of Eli, Denzel protects his copy of the bible from falling into the hands of roving cannibals by killing anyone who even looks at him funny. Killing them with a sword!

In The Road, Viggo protects his son from falling into the hands of roving cannibals by hiding, and teaching him how to kill himself.

The largest difference between these two films is the amount of fun the viewer has while watching. The Book of Eli manages to put aside its somber nature every fifteen minutes or so and kick-ass for a while. Old-man Denzel is a believable badass, Mila Kunis is so hot it's silly, and there are explosions a-plenty in the third act. Ray Stevenson from Rome is notable, as is Gary Oldman. Oh, and Tom Waits!--He's only in two or three scenes, but still--Tom Waits!

Conversely, there isn't a single smile to be had while watching The Road. The film has two brilliant performances, is beautifully photographed, and the score by Nick Cave is great, but there is absolutely not a single feel-good moment in the entire thing. It's bleak and depressing from beginning to end, with only the slightest glimmer of hope.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to sit through The Road a second time. During every scene in which Viggo and his son hid from the cannibals I kept waiting for Denzel to show up with his bible and his sword. That would have been awesome.

The Book of Eli: 3 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

The Road:     2.75 / 5
                                           

The Final Destination

This is actually the fourth entry in the terrible Final Destination franchise. The movie was released overseas with a '4' attached to its title, but for some baffling reason the 4 was left off here in the U.S.

I vaguely recall seeing the first two films in this series, but remember very little about the first, and even less about the second. In this installment a bunch of people run around saying moronic things and acting in confusing, nonsensical ways while trying not to die. Then, one by one, they die anyway.

This time in 3-D!

There is nothing awesome happening here. Everything about this movie sucks.

0 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

Frozen

I just got home from seeing Adam Green's film Frozen, which opened in wide release today. The premise of this film is simple. Dan, his girlfriend Parker, and his best friend Lynch end up stranded, for reasons I won't go into here, on a ski-lift.

Green uses the first twenty minutes or so of the film to build tension, there are a lot of lingering shots of the creaky old ski-lift machinery. He also goes to great lengths to make it clear to the audience that the characters do not have their cellphones with them. This part of the film moves a bit slowly, but is necessary, and the dialogue and character introductions are much better than they could have been.

Once the sun goes down and the ski-lift stops, things get very bad for these characters, very quickly. The brutality and intensity from this point on is relentless. All three of these actors (Shawn Ashmore, Kevin Zegers and Emma Bell) deliver outstanding performances. It's impossible not to feel compassion for them as they endure one savage cruelty after another.

Anyone who has ever sat through a horror movie with me before knows that I squirm in my seat like a greased pig when I get uncomfortable with what's happening on the screen. Well, I did a lot of squirming tonight. I'm looking forward to seeing this one again, and am very curious to check out Green's cult hit Hatchet.

I wouldn't recommend this film to everyone...but if you're not a giant baby (and you know if you are), and you can handle having your guts roll around in your body for 90 minutes, then you should head over to the multi-plex and check this out.

3 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

Avatar

What is there left to say about Avatar? For thirteen years no film came within throwing distance of knocking James Cameron's Titanic out of the number one highest-grossing film of all-time slot. It took Cameron himself to break his old record, and he did it by inventing some new technology that he used to create a world unlike anything anyone had ever seen before.

It can be argued all day whether or not Avatar is really the best movie of the year (it's not). The plot is derivative, the characters one-dimensional, and much of the dialogue is cringe-worthy. But the fact of the matter is that somehow none of that matters, because the movie is just flat out fun.

Avatar has dragons fighting spaceships. Awesomely realistic looking dragons fighting spaceships. And if dragons and spaceships clashing in 3-D with floating mountains in the background isn't awesome, then I don't know what is.

Dragons not really your thing? The movie also has a bunch of dudes in giant robot suits fighting other dudes with bows and arrows. ROBOT SUITS.

I would like to see the Academy have Cameron duke it out with his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow (director of The Hurt Locker) to see who gets to take home the award for Best Picture. Instead I think they'll just hand it over to him.

Too bad, Kathryn would kick his ass. 

4 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

District 9

A few years back Peter Jackson was producing a film based on the enormously popular Halo video game franchise. Due to studio ineptitude the project completely collapsed five months into pre-production. Jackson then handed the film's director, Neil Blomkamp, $30 million dollars and told him to go make any film he wanted. Blomkamp then set out to make an allegorical movie about his childhood, spent in Apartheid South Africa.

HOLY CRAP! Blomkamp took that $30million dollars, which in Hollywood is pocket change-- most directors can't put together a romantic comedy for twice that amount-- and made a kick-ass sci-fi flick with special effects that look better than most films with eight times it's budget. 

District 9 is awesome on several levels. As an allegory, it made me realize how much we, the human race, really suck at treating each other. Towards the end of the film I found myself being embarrassed to be a human being, because our capacity for fear and hatred of anything that we don't understand seems to know no bounds.

The aliens, spaceship and weaponry all look exceptionally cool, and there are plenty of exploding heads and limbs ripped off. Awesome. Oh, and a really cute alien toddler. Who doesn't like adorable alien children?

Newcomer Sharlto Copley probably should've gotten an Oscar nod, but didn't.

Sorry, Sharlto! 

I can't believe that there are TWO movies with aliens in them that are nominated for best picture this year. This movie doesn't stand a chance of winning the 2009 Academy Award for Best Picture, because that other movie with aliens has grossed approximately twelve-octillion dollars world-wide.

4 / 5 on the Awesome Meter

Up

If you have ever been in love with anyone, or anything, it is impossible to watch the first fifteen minutes of Up
without blubbering like a baby into your sleeve. If you're the type of person who likes to present yourself as an unfeeling android, you may want to avoid watching this film in front of other people.

I do not think that this is Pixar's greatest movie, that was Wall-E, and I will passionately debate anyone who argues otherwise. Wall-E, as a character, is one of the greatest that Disney has ever created, and the movie is rock-solid awesome from beginning to end.

It is also not Pixar's worst film, that was Cars, feel free to disagree with me on that one, but Paul Newman or not, the movie was about talking cars.

Personally, I'd say that Up ranks third or fourth amongst Pixar's releases-- probably not quite as great as Monsters, Inc. but a little better than Ratatouille.

This is the first time that Pixar has had a movie in the running for Best Picture. For some reason, I have been under the impression that the reason no Pixar film has ever been nominated for B.P is because the studio isn't allowed to submit the same film for consideration as both B.P and Best Animated Film. Apparently, I have been misled, as Up has been nominated for both of those awards this year.

If you're like me and you have a fondness for curmudgeonly old men, talking dogs AND flying houses, then this movie is for you.

It's just that after the emotional ass kicking it hits you with during the opening scenes, the rest of the movie feels a little too predictable and ordinary. 

3.75 / 5 on the Awesome Meter
          
Chance of winning Best Picture of 2009- 00%
Chance of winning Best Animated Film of 2009- 100%

(500) Days of Summer

Joseph Gordon Levitt + Zooey Deschanel + The Smiths= Awesome.

I was cautiously optimistic going into this one. I really enjoyed the trailer and also enjoy the soundtrack, but I've been burned in the past by the "non-traditional" romantic-comedy. They tend to be every bit as sappy and devoid of testosterone as most traditional rom-coms are. I'm looking at you, The Break-Up starring Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.

(500) Days of Summer hits a lot of the usual romantic-comedy story beats, but manages to do so without ever feeling too cliche. There are enough unexpected moments throughout the script to keep even the most jaded cynic interested.

Joseph Gordon Levitt has made some very interesting film choices (The Lookout, Brick) over the past few years, while the always adorable Zooey Deschanel seems to base her roles off of the advice from a magic 8-ball (The Happening, Tin Man). This is a career high for both of them.

One final note: as many of you already know, Sony scrapped production on Spider-Man 4 a couple of weeks back and removed the entire original cast and crew from the project. A reboot (yay?) of the franchise went into production almost immediately, and (500) Days of Summer director Marc Webb is at the helm. It'll be interesting to see what he does with the material.

4.5/5

The Hurt Locker

I've had a strong admiration for Kathryn Bigelow for many, many years now. Point Break is pure 80's action goodness, and Near Dark is pre-Twilight era vampire badassery, back when vampires caught fire in the sun and would rather eat teenage girls than date them.

I'm thrilled that Ms. Bigelow has finally achieved a real level of mainstream and critical success, and the fact that she has done so with a movie that kicks as much ass as The Hurt Locker makes it even better.

This movie grabs you by your throat and choke slams you to the ground, then rubs your face against the concrete for 130 minutes of non-stop awesome.

This is the first Iraq War movie that isn't pushing a political agenda, it's only goal is to put you in the middle of things, and shake you up for a couple of hours.

Jeremy Renner is such a badass that he would rather blow stuff up than bang Kate Austen from Lost. WOW.

5/5

The Lovely Bones

Alternate titles I came up with while watching Peter Jackson's new film:

The Boring Bones

The Slovenly Bones

Remember the last 15 minutes of the Return of the King, the way you shifted in your seat uncomfortably just waiting for the movie to be over? Well that's pretty much how I felt for the entirety of this jumble of a film. Nothing worked for me.

I'm sorry Mr. Jackson, but you fail.

2/5

One point each for Stanley Tucci's awesomely creepy performance and his equally awesome mustache.